Why self-esteem isn’t your best friend
… even as a competing athlete
Have you ever been told, that your self-esteem is too low, and you should do something about it? You started feeling bad because you’re not very talented in creating self-esteem out of nothing… and then your self-esteem dropped even lower – damn.
Well, there are some tricky things about self-esteem. The first thing is that it resides out of constant comparison, we feel high self-esteem, when we are better than others, when we feel above average (which mathematically is just not possible for everybody!), like when you are the best scorer or the fastest girl of your team.
Conversely, that means, that we have to put others down to feel better ourselves. This brings us further away from each other, even from people that we wish to have close. Exchange isolation for self-esteem? Not the best idea…
Other sources of self-esteem are positive feedback and other external factors, like success and being popular. So, if your coach finds nice words about your performance, your self-esteem grows immediately. But what happens if there is nobody giving you verbal caresses? If nobody is cheering for you or you even get booed at. Are you feeling horrible? Or even you giving in? All those external sources of self-esteem are very poor and fragile. In a second they can collapse like a house of cards… sounds familiar?
There is a solution to that. Self-compassion. Keep reading, because I don’t speak about self-pity, self-indulgence or egoism, I speak about one of THE most powerful sources of resilience and successful coping.
Why? Because there is no judgment or evaluation in self-compassion. It’s not about being good or bad, being better or worse. It’s about being kind to ourselves, accepting that we are vulnerable and precious, and hurt like every human being is. Because it’s about embracing the mess and not putting it onto somebody else. And THIS brings us closer together. THIS is a healthy source of self-worth. THIS is always there, ESPECIALLY when you are failing.
How to create it? Well, there are countless books, self-help tutorials and YouTube videos about that, but for me, there are three key questions to trigger self-compassion (journaling about them is a good idea):
1. Who is feeling like me? See, that there are so many people experiencing the same thing as you. You are one little fragment of humankind. A sense of common humanity brings us closer together, rather than further apart.
2. What would I tell my best friend in that situation? Consider being kind to yourself ;).
3. How would an objective observer describe the situation, my feelings and my thoughts? Practice objectivity and mindful awareness.
If I would imagine characters for those two, self-esteem would be this strict, merciless, sometimes unfair teacher with a rod in his hand. I want him to like me and I appreciate if he gifts me a smile, but somehow, it’s tilting against windmills.
Self-compassion on the other hand is more like my best friend, unconditionally at my side. Enjoying quietly when I’m thriving and supportive when I’m failing.
Who do you want to have as your companion?
Lots of love,
Berit
PS: If you wish to have room and guidance to become more profoundly successful through the development of self-compassion, book your free call now and we’ll do that.